Lately purchased

I bought these boots few days prior to Eid. I was looking for black boots with comfy heels. I found those at Boomingdale's. They are my second pair from UGG. They are cute, fashionable, and comfortable!

Tall when extended

 Ankle-height when cuffed

Knitting/Crochet addiction

 Hubby's hat in the process

 Ready to wear

 My little boy's bear beanie

 

More to come!!

To buy or not to buy!!!

My iPhone's pumper is worn out after a year and half of using. I have been thinking about purchasing a new one. I stopped by Apple store few days ago and was fascinated by the wide collection of cases and pumpers.

I saw those two wristlets by Kate Spade and Micheal Kors and fell in love with them. The thing that I'm not sure if they are practical to use. I don't want to take the phone out to make calls. I know I need to do that for taking pictures because it doesn't have a hole for the camera. But They look so adorable that I want one.

Just a little update!

It's officially winter here in my area! We already had a 10 inches of snow last Saturday. And since the trees are still leafy, we got lots of broken branches due to the excess snow weight and so major electricity outages. Good news our neighborhood didn't suffer that as a lot around.

In front of our house - 10/29/2011

It was Halloween last Monday. And since we don't celebrate Halloween, hubby picked the girls early from school last Friday because we didn't want them to attend the party. No Halloween means no costumes, and no trick or treat. Hubby and I talked to the girls and they were very understanding! They never complained. I was so proud of them. Hubby was so proud of them too, so he wanted to reward them. We went to the mall yesterday and they got to pick the toys they wanted. They both deserved them! 

Today is our 10th wedding anniversary! Man, we are getting old! But as long as we are getting old together, it's okay. I just can't believe a decade has passed already! 
 

Hubby just came back home with this lovely cake!

Eid is almost here! I'm done with Eid shopping for the whole family. I'm so excited about this Eid because it's on a Sunday. It has been a while since we had the Eid on a weekend. I have some nice plans for the Eid this year. I'll be posting pictures inshallah. We'll be fasting on Saturday inshallah. Fasting Arafa day is one of my favorite things about Eid Al-Adha. I keep remembering the Eid when we were actually on Arafat two years ago. I miss these days a lot. I always pray to get the chance to perform Hajj again.  

Eid Mubarak to you all in advance!

مما سمعت وأعجبني

أصول التقوى أربعة: الصلاة، والذكر، والإنفاق، وترك المعاصي

سأل كافر مسلما لماذا الحجاب؟وكان في المجلس طبق حلوى فأخذ المسلم قطعتين ونزع غلاف إحداهما وقلّبهما بين كفيه ثم قال:اختر واحدة فاختار المغطاة

خطأ أن تستشير العقل وحده في كل مسألة فالقلب له حكم والروح له اعتبار يضاف إلى حكم العقل أو يعدلهّ

دع ما مضى ولا تأس على ما فات ولا تقلق بما سيأتي وعش يومك واسعد بما عندك وتفاءل بالخير وأبشر فالرب رحيم كريم ابتسم وانظر للأثر 

Happy 1st Birthday to my little boy!

One year ago today I was snuggled in my room at the hospital holding my 7 lb 3 oz baby boy! Since then he has been the sweetest thing in our life. It has been one wild ride, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Happy Birthday to my sweet little boy!

It was my birthday last Wednesday! That's why October is so special to me! I had a great day! My hubby got me this very nice cake. It was a nice surprise. To be honest, I expected a cake because he always gets me one. But this Barbie cake was unexpected. I was extremely happy. Hubby did it again; he made me so confident that I'm one of the happiest out there, alhamdulillah! It's not about the cake or the gift. It's about taking care of the smallest details. It's this unlimited love and kindness. 

 

Couple of weeks ago, my daughters asked me to get them some yarn to learn knitting. I was glad to hear that because I like knitting myself. It has been a while since the last time I did it so I was so excited about the whole thing. I also have been thinking about learning how to crochet, so I found it a good chance. Here is what I have been working on. I find it so relaxing and fun. I try to work on it during the girls' swimming classes, and whenever I get a chance!

Still here!

I know that I have been away for a long time. I just didn't feel blogging. No other reasons to be honest. Being busy is not the reason, since I'm always busy! Really BUSY!

I have been looking recently for an in-home babysitter, and I finally found one. She is a young Egyptian lady. Hubby and I went on a date the other night. A real no-kids-date! It was one of those unforgettable nights. Having a babysitter on call is priceless!

I also found a new Arabic teacher for my daughters. I'm so glad that I have finally found a good one. Talking about the girls, I also signed them up for private swimming classes at the YMCA. Between my dissertation, girls' classes, household duties, and my baby boy, I'm going to be fully booked this year!

Now let's talk shopping! I have bought this shirt from H&M few weeks ago. It's so light and airy! I love it because it works with hijab so well. It's loose and long and there is no need to wear anything underneath, which makes it perfect for summer days.

Hubby and the girls just went to the movies. They went to watch Lion King in 3D. So I found it a good chance to blog, and I'm glad I did!

نور أضواء الطريق

ظامئٌ أنا لطعم الحياة ..

ظامئٌ لسقيا النور .. للأمن الجميل ..

أنا من أنا؟

أنا ياسامعي عبدُ ذليل

حاد الطريق

وانساق خلف المغريات

يمضي حثيثاً للسراب

ياويح قلبي .. كيف وليتُ بعيداً

وتلاشت في مسيري نور أضواء الطريق

وحنين نصحٍ للرفيق

وبقيت أمضي .. خلف شيطان الهوى ..

قلبي يئن من النوى ..

يحن أن يحيا الرضا حرٌ طليق ..

لكن رحمة خالقي ظلت معي ..

أبداً تشوقني الهدى ..

أبداً تذكرني الطريق ..

نورٌ تجلى في الدجى

لا زلت أذكر يومها ..

حين انثنيتُ ساجداً .. أدعو الإله

وأبثه دمعي السخين

أشكو إلهي ظلمتي ..

أدعوه سراً أن يعيد لي الحياة ..

وتشققت ظلم الحجب

وتفرجت كل الغموم المظلمات

ماخاب يوماً من رجاك

حمداً سأحيا خالقي ..

حمداً وأرجوك الثبات ..

وسأظل أدمن قولتي

ماخاب يوماً من رجاك *

* بقلم سمو

Eid Mubarak

Zero productivity!

Oh yeah, I have zero productivity this Ramadan (except for cooking). Half of Ramadan has past already, and I still can't get to the lack of sleep, caffeine, and FOOD! I bet it's hard in the Arab countries, but it's harder here in the US. I'm really glad that my kids are going back to school after Ramadan, or it's going to be a big mess.

This Ramadan, I'm more into cooking. I almost cook everyday! I guess, I get too hungry! I also make a dessert almost everyday. I feel like I can't survive the night without a dessert. 

I want to share all the recipes of the things I tried with you. But, unfortunately, I didn't take pictures for everything I made. Anyway, I've started today to post some recipes on my other blog. I hope you check them out. You'll find the link under the following pictures.

Hope you all are having a blessed Ramadan!

Fattoush

Sambousek

‪I love Dayem

I really don't because I simply never tried Dayem products!! But this is my daughters' favorite commercial on TV this Ramadan, and it's mine too! My favorite part is Qaddafi's voice in the background, do you hear it ? :)

Zanga, zanga. Dar, Dar!

Chocolate buscuit cake (Lazy cake)

Find the recipe for this yummy cake on my cooking blog. My kids and hubby loved it. It was a pleasant change after eating too much Arabic dessert in Ramadan :)

Ramadan Mubarak!

I hope everyone's Ramadan is going well! Mine is good so far alhamdulellah. The first couple of days were too long but it's getting smoother with the days passing. May Allah make it easy on all of us, and accept our fasting and prayers in this month.

Since I spend a quality time in the kitchen during Ramadan, I will try to share some of the recipes on my cooking blog. I will leave you now with some pictures for the dishes I made so far.

 Fattoush

 Freekeh with chicken

 Veg. soup

 

Sambousek 

  

 Kofta with tahini sauce and basmati rice

 

 Qatayef

  Knafeh - cup cake style :)

Lately..

It's been a while since my last post, but it's been a busy summer. Things are slowing down now, and so I hope I'll spend more time blogging.

We had a great vacation this summer in Jordan. It was a bit short but lots of fun. I'll leave you now with some pictures from Jordan. I already miss Amman so much!

 Sunset in Aqaba

 Tala Bay, Aqaba

  Red Sea, Aqaba

 Red Sea, Aqaba

The farm, Mahis

Very true!

I'm just borrowing this post from LioneSS. I thought she was talking about me and may be about everyone of us.

ناس بترتاح معهم و بتحب جلستهم وبتحس انك منهم و ما بتحس بغربة المكان معهم أبداً و بتمر الساعات و انت مبسوط و الكلام و المزح ما بخلص معهم. و ناس مشاعرك بتكون حياد معهم يعني حلو معرفتهم بس بتفضل ان تبقى العلاقة معهم رسميه وهالشي ابداً مو انتقاص في محبتهم و احترامهم بس تحديد العلاقة معهم افضل. و في ناس ما بتنحب من أول نظرة من أول كلمة ناس بتحس انهم من عالم تاني عالم غير عن عالمك و عالم ما بتحب تختلط فيه من أصله لانه عالم مش حلو، عالم معهم بتخلص كل المواضيع و بتضيع الكلامات و الدقيقة بتصير برفقتهم ساعة و بتتمنى و انت معهم ان هالتعارف ما صار من أصله

جد الدنيا غريبة و مليانه العجب، مليان طيبة و حب و احترام و تواضع و ايمان و بنفس الوقت مليانه فسوق و غرور و نفاق و كذب و كفر. بس المهم الواحد يعرف كيف يختار أصحابه لانه على رأي المثل الصاحب ساحب

و قول الرسول الكريم

 (المرء على دين خليله فلينظر أحدكم من يخالل)

It took until June, actually!

Today I sent the research paper to my advisor. Yeah, finally! I was so optimistic in my previous post when I thought it would be in April.

The question now, did I achieve all the things I listed in that post by now? Let's see:

• It's officially Spring here. But it took until the end of May for Spring and warm weather!
• Baby Aboudy is much bigger mashallah! He crawls now, but he still, sometimes, wakes up once during the night! But I sleep much better, elhamdulellah.
• Unfortunately, I'm not back to my pre-pregnancy weight yet. I look much better and I feel so close but still need to work more on those extra pounds!
• It's only 18 days till our trip to Amman. And I still miss my family and friends so much! I also still need to do tons of shopping!
• DONE!
• CLEAR!

انا العبد

أنا العبد الذي كسب الذنوبا وصدته الأماني أن يتوبا
أنا العبـد الـذي أضحـى حزيناً على زلاته قلقاً كئيـبا
أنا العبد الذي سطرت علـيه صحائف لم يخف فيها الرقيـبا
أنا العبد المسيئ عصيت سراً فما لي الآن لا أبدي النحيـبا
أنا العبد المفرط ضاع عمري فلم أرع الشبيبة والمشيبا
أنا العبـد الغريـق بلج بحرٍ أصيـح لربما ألقــى مجيبا
أنا العبد السقيم مـن الخطايا وقد أقبلت ألتمس الطبيـبا
أنا العبد الشريد ظلمت نفسي وقد وافيت بابكـم منيبا

I'm on Twitter!!

I started tweeting couple of days ago. And I think I love it. Follow me at @BlackSusu

Another random post!

Nothing much is going on around here! I'm just busy getting my research paper done. I hate to be away from blogging for that long but I'm really busy. And when I'm a little free I try to do things I really enjoy and unfortunately blogging is not on the list these days!!

Today is my younger daughter's birthday. She is 5 today, and she is so excited about it. She even wanted to go bed early last night to make her birthday come faster!

Nothing much other than that. Busy but happy and content :)

What do you expect?!

I've decided to lower my expectations because I've discovered that they are (for some) unrealistically high. This should be my strategy for getting more peace of mind, hopefully. 

"The higher my expectations, the lower my serenity."

مش فاهمة

أنا بس مش فاهمة ليه كل واحد بطالب بالاصلاح والعدل في وطنا العربي بيكون إما بلجيكي أو شيعي أو مسيحي أو اخونجي أو قاعدي. يعني لازم يكون طائفي أو مهلوس!! يعني ما في حد من أهل البلد نفسه بده اصلاح اذا اعتبرنا انه ما ذكر اعلاه من طوائف مش من أهل البلد ومندسين. حد يفهمني لأنه اللي عم بيصير مش معقول

Blogging...Not really!!

It's been a while, I know! But I'm not into blogging recently. I even barely have time to read my favorite blogs. Busy, busy, busy, and not in the blogging mood :(

Lately...

My hubby came back last Thursday. YAY!! It was the best day ever after a rough week. I know I need to be tougher in such situations but it didn't work this time. El7amdellah he is back safe and sound. BTW, He got me these things from Singapore :)

 gold ring

 silk fabric 

Nothing new other than that. I work on my research regularly. I did a lot of shopping in the last couple of weeks, and I got a lot of things for myself (makeup, boots, purse, and clothes). Amman in the air, I guess!! We booked the tickets for this June :)

My baby is getting bigger. He is gonna turn 5 months tomorrow. I started giving him solid food such as cereal and mashed fruits. He still wakes once or twice during the night. Recently, he is giving me hard time to sleep outside the house. The only place he can sleep in is the car while moving. I find this annoying when we are visiting some friends during night time. I wish I can take his room with me sometimes. I can't deny that he is a good boy and even when he is not feeling good he is not that annoying but still I find it uncomfortable. Do you think that I need to stop visiting friends late until he is bigger, or what do I need to do?

Guest Post 3: How to love your veiled self

Okay I'm cheating here! I got this post from Chocolate mint in a jar who guest posted for her sister RJay. I loved RJay's post and I couldn't resist posting it. I personally follow most of her tips and I guess this is why I love my veil (Hijab)! Enjoy it :)

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I’ve read hundreds of articles on how to hijabify your sundress by wearing a shirt underneath or jean jacket on top.

I’ve learnt a dozen ways to tie my hijab , cover my neck but show my pretty earrings.

I’ve scored the internet for ideas on how to wear anything hijabifiyed.
I’ve learnt how to shop.

I’ve learnt to try to stick to clothes that are already long sleeved and won’t need too much layering.
I’ve learnt to wear pretty colors and nice accessories .
I’ve learnt to wear my clothes with pride and feel pretty on the inside not just the outside after all. I've been practicing for 12 years.

The one thing I struggled with the most was not the year of the leggings or the year camisoles and miniskirts were in , I didn’t struggle with deciding between wearing skin tight tops or skipping.

The thing I struggled with the most for all these years (and still do) is loving myself veiled.

Mind you struggling with your hijab is the second best kept secret (after how horrendous childbirth is)no one tells you how hard it is to keep it on I’ve gone violently back and forth from wanting to take it off to wearing loose fitting clothes and no make up.

I used to look at happy cute veiled girls and wish I was that happy …I felt the same envy for the girls with their loose hair down their backs and miss my own

However the good news is that I’m at a good place right now and thought I would share with you and spare you 12 years 

1- Girls are prettier on the other side whatever side you are on whether you are veiled or unveiled tall or short thin or curvy blond or brunette …sometimes you will feel that anyone who isn’t you is better.

Hate to burst your bubble women are beautiful in all shapes and sizes and nothing is more beautiful than loving yourself enough …when you love yourself you are able to focus on other people when you do that people can tell how amazing and strong you are to long beyond the pettiness of oneself

When you don’t like yourself you are so busy internally nitpicking every part of yourself and seething with green eyed malice at anyone around you that people step over you so they don’t get infected.

I’ve watched guys go gaga over the new girl and forget her in a week because she was too self centered.

I’ve seen seemingly average girls get the hottest sweetest guys because they loved themselves enough to shine and knew deep down they were worth the best guys.

I’ve longed to be friends with girls who commanded the whole room but looked nothing like your typical siren just so I could be near all that happiness.

I’ve sometimes been the new it girl and sometimes I joined in the praise of the new girl with my guy friends …I know my place and it’s a pretty good spot…. because after all god put me there.

2-Loving yourself is a must but you must also know how to project a certain image

If you want to love yourself while veiled you must treat yourself to all the indulgences of non veiled girls just because your hair is covered doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dye it if you want have it permed have it blown dry , cut and cared for by the best  products you can get your hands on

You deserve to look at a pretty you in the mirror you deserve to smell the pretty shampoo from your hair

3-You must have a beauty and clothes regime that you have designed personally and stick to it

This is mine:

• I buy the prettiest-smelling, softest-curl-inducing shampoos I can find
• I cut , style and blow dry my hair regularly
• I wax regularly even if no one will see
• I go to the gym every day (choose my outfits carefully but that’s the next point)
• I buy any hijab unsuitable  clothes like lingerie and swimsuits and wear them at home or at girls only events
• I buy big dangly earrings even if no one can see them , I can
• I use nice smelling creams
• I have a huge array of any nail polish that takes my fancy I apply it after I pray 3esha so I don’t worry about wodoo2 and remove it at night before I sleep, this might seem like a hassle but believe me it’s worth it

4-The clothes maketh the girl

Deciding what to wear is the biggest deal but most of us have a picture of what they want to look like in their heads but beware freedom has a limit we made that commitment the day we decided to cover our hair don’t make a fool of yourself by wearing too much make-up or tight revealing clothes it makes you look desperate, confused and have no idea who you want to be.

The veil is about being presentable yet conservative don’t defeat the purpose.

Guidelines:

• Choose colors that make you happy and comfortable buy 80 % of ur clothes in that color and 20 % of the time go on a limb and by something different.
• Care for the details , your scarf matters think comfort –color –coordination.
• Not everything that is in fashion works for your body , face or your veil think wisely.
• Your accessories mean a lot bag, shoes, and jewelry wear whatever takes your fancy and if they r too loud just wear a one colored outfit and go crazy!!
• You are an ambassador keep that in mind.
• If you don’t know what style to choose find someone you like and mimic mesh 3eeb.
• When it comes to the gym make sure your top is long colorful and comfortable preferably cotton same goes for your veil you are going to the gym to sweat not to flirt you look ridiculous when you try to hard that goes for non veiled girls too.

Personally I buy boys shirts coz they r long and dry fit just go for colorful ones , choose your shoes wisely too and please for the love of god DON’T WEAR MAKE UP AT THE GYM I agree you look prettier with eyeliner but you also look DESPERATE.

5-Last but not least

Choosing to be veiled means that you are supposedly at a higher level of piety not necessarily better or worse than everyone else but conduct yourself wisely you are an ambassador to your faith be sweet and polite don’t be loud and vulgar not only are you scrutinized more closely you are labeled as desperate and  unstable.

Home alone!!

I know that you can't be "home alone" with three kids, no one can be! But this is how I feel when hubby is traveling. He's in Singapore until Thursday. We can't wait for him to come back!

I have not been into blogging recently. However I have a lot to blog about, but I guess with things happening in the Middle East, everything does not seem worthy to talk about. The good thing that I can see the change coming, regardless of the rough/long way. The Arab world will be a better place soon inshallah. 

I learned few things from those revolutions: Arab youth are so brave and strong despite that they were raised by the weakest Arab generation (sorry to say that but this is my opinion). And that there will be always some people, and thank God they are some, who are loyal to the regimes no matter how bad the regimes are. The problem that I can't tell if those people are stupid, ignorant, cowards, or that they just can't live without being insulted!!

I'm now praying for the people in Libya. I had my own experience with the revolution there as my brother was working in Benghazi and he just went back to Jordan last Thursday. It was so scary to hear the news when you have someone really close to you there. last Tuesday I was sick worried that I couldn't stop crying all day. I was sick worried about him and his wife and baby girl. But el7amdellah he made it home safe and sound after a rough trip through Egypt. When I was worried about my brother I thought about those who lost their loved ones in the revolution in Tunis, Egypt, and Libya. You need to be in their shoes to feel their pain. I'm so sorry for their losses.

I wrote the above post last night but I didn't feel posting it. I was not home most of the day today. I just came back, fed my baby and put him and the girls to bed. I wanted to post what I wrote but then I felt I want to add something, anything. I just want to talk. I'm feeling down, suddenly. I thought about calling my friend here but I couldn't, I didn't know what to say. I hate to be that weak and I just hate when my husband is far away and I can't talk to him!!!

Liquid foundation

I need help here! I'm looking for a good liquid foundation. I have been on Double Wear from Esteelauder for the last year. I'm not that happy with it because it's kinda heavy on my face. So I'm looking for a new one and I really can't decide what to get. So I really appreciate your recommendation here. I have a combination face and looking for a medium coverage with natural look. 

Thanks :)

Lately in pictures

I was thrilled last Friday when I heard that Mubarak stepped down. They finally did it! I was so proud of them.  

Long live Egypt

The snow in front of our house as of today 2/14. It started to melt down, finally! It hit 50 degrees today for the first time in months. The snow you see in the picture is the accumulation from the several snow storms hit us in the last couple of months. The last was two weeks ago.

I made this cake over the weekend. My hubby believes that I need to start thinking about having my own cake shop. I guess I might consider that if the PhD thing didn't work out :)

Back under control

I'm just so proud of myself! I finally got my life organized and under control. It was uneasy and took a while but it worked. I now find myself able to work on my research, take care of my family, exercise, and hang out with my friends without feeling overwhelmed or overload. YAY!!

I'm also trying to get my emotions under control. I still don't feel like I'm fully back as before, so today I made some decisions or rules that I need to follow. I will discuss this here later. I just need to give myself time to see how good I will follow these rules!

It's me on the treadmill (behind the camera for sure!!)

Praying for Egypt

I just can't stand the crime happening right now in Tahrir Square against the protesters! Please keep praying for them.

And please Egyptians, don't give up!

A night post!

It's another snow day, or you can call it an ice day. Despite the fact that I'm not a fan of snow anymore, I was glad to get some extra sleep this morning after the hard time I had last night after the root canal. Sad to say that I need to go back in three weeks to get the root canal done, because the dentist said it can't be done in one session!!

It's 8:10 PM now and we just came back home couple of hours ago! Yes, we went out in this messy weather to get our hair cut, I mean the girls' and mine, while hubby (or the boys) went to grab some pizza. Just finished dinner, before hubby shut his office's door to finish his late meeting, one of those several nightly meetings he has to do every week with overseas workmates. He recently discovered that he has to travel to Singapore around the end of this month. I was not happy to hear that since I'm not a fan of his work trips, neither his late meetings.

I just got an email that schools are closing tomorrow. Ice storm is supposed to get worse tonight. Hopefully there will be no power outage. I also hope we have a better day than today because everything was not going right since the morning. Started with a call that made me really angry.  It's unbelievable how impolite some people could be! And ended up with some damages in my car and home appliances!

Now I'll leave you with a quote by Amr khaled. I like it because I find (found) it somehow true:

إذا رفعت أحد فوق قدره ... فتوقع منه ان يضعك دون قدرك

Good night!

A rough week

It's Friday, the end of the week. A rough week actually!

My friend's dad died yesterday. May Allah bless and forgive him and grant him to Jannah. 

I have been suffering a bad toothache since Monday. I'm having a root canal next Monday. I have not been sleeping well, and last night was the worst. I can just take Tylenol or Motrin because I'm nursing :(

I'm snow fatigued!! We had 6 snow days in the last couple weeks and it's still snowing. We have tons of snow outside. 

I'm kind of worried about what's going on in Egypt. I'm glad that the people finally stood up to make the change we all have been waiting for in our Arab countries. Still worried that some sick people will use this to steal, destroy, and hurt others. Please keep praying for Egyptians.

Snow, toothache, and sadness result in zero motivation to do anything!!

Guest Post 2: Hate

It's about time for my monthly guest post. Thanks to sweet Wafa' for accepting my invitation to post on my blog. Wafa's blog is one of the first blogs I started to read and enjoy. She has a very special way in writing and talking about things. You can tell from her blog that she is very humanitarian. She always seeks peace and love for all humans!

It is an honor to have your post here Wafa' :) 

Hate 

"Lovely Susu invited me to write a post on her blog which i love dearly. 

So many topics rush into my mind when i first saw the email and kept wondering what will i write about, but the topic that came in my mind first and stuck was  "hate", dunno why? probably cuz it fills my life to the "hate" point actually. 

i didn't grow up in a "loving" surroundings, there were hate between families, hate between siblings, hate for this person and hate for the other one. And with the lack of love too , hate will just take control. 

Being "almost" the youngest makes you neglected mostly and invisible so you can see and do things without the realization of others.And it makes you the target too cuz no one will notice either. 

But you know what, most times i am not grumpy about what happened over my childhood and most of my life. The older i got the more i realize how lucky i was, how much good this hate has turn me into. Yes, i do have my share of ups and downs but i tend to get up quicker than falling, So maybe this hate has taught me something. 

One of the things that "hate" taught me is/was to be more understanding . Understanding of the scars these people who hurt me might have, the pain and the sufferings they must have been in that make them hurt and  transfer them into a person who hurts others. 

We keep insisting on "remembering only the goods about the dead" and i like that but when i think about my father and all that had happened, i keep wondering about his childhood. I never knew it , i know that he has lost his father when he was young and he was the eldest. But i wonder how did the death of his father  affect him ? How being the eldest son who would have to work for his younger ones make him feel? . 

Was he happy about it? Was he sad and angry cuz he didn't have the chance to study and be someone whom he might wish to be ? . 

He was married before my mother and has two kids who died young. How did that affect him? 

wow, now i am thinking is he with them right now? .

Sometimes working hard and not getting what you think you deserve makes you live in anger and destroy your inner self. Did working hard for his younger brother and getting nothing in return made him less caring about his second family "us" ?. 

I don't hate my father not only because he is dead but also because i am trying my best to understand him and love him instead of hating him. 

The cycle must stop and be cut at one point, so why not make it stop right now. Hate is like digging a hole to bury your haters in forgetting that the sand and mud of that hole is all over you. 

I don't want to hate anyone, i want to try to understand their surroundings and i don't have to "know" these surroundings to actually understand them but just the idea that 

"they are like me, the have tough times ,sadly they can not get out of these tough times so the least i can not hate them" . 

And that's not a belittling them, it's actually a way to stretch a hand and show that we are similar in so many ways and that today i can understand you and forgive you and one day you can understand me and forgive me too. 

BTW,forgiving doesn't necessarily mean forgetting. But understanding and loving can make you forget sometimes.

P.S: This topic is not ONLY about my father but he as merely an example of  people whom i didn't have a good relationship with or hated due to the way they hurt me badly. Before you judge me over your religion views, try to love me :)"